Journeying Back To My Life Before Birth
I have written on the subject of relinquishment of a baby by their mother for adoption, and the effect being relinquished had on me personally in my early life through to adulthood and beyond. Here I write about the catalyst that in an instant made me realise, at the age of 47, that I had sustained a primal loss which had affected my life, relationships and sense of self.
Up until that lightning-bolt moment, I thought that being adopted at nine days old had not really impacted me at all, and that everything in the garden was rosy. And really, everything was pretty great in my life. I had been bought up by loving parents, although both passed away whilst I was only in my 20’s, and I always mourned my lack of siblings. I married a great guy and we have five beautiful children of our own. Sure, I had trust issues, and difficulties with depression and anxiety, but I kept trying to improve my life and to feel better, and I never associate this with what had happened when I was a tiny baby…I couldn’t see the connection.
After the lightning-bolt, when I saw that damage had been done, I took the time to journal, and write, and to think about what I’d discovered. Around this time I was working as a birth doula, and I had to pause my work whilst I addressed my own wounding. I became ill with shingles, and between sleeping and listening to my neighbour’s dog bark, I read books by adoptees, and I wrote some more. I wondered how I might go about healing something so fundamental, something buried so deep, something I have no conscious memory of.
A book came into my possession.
Dr Thomas Verny and John Kelly’s book ‘The Secret Life of the Unborn Child’ was published in the US in 1981. In it Dr Verny presents the results of two decades of research in to early life in the womb. Findings showed that the unborn child experiences feelings, emotions and can learn whilst in the womb. That which the child perceives at this stage of life actually shapes his expectations for his life outside of the womb.
Chronic anxiety or a wrenching ambivalence abut motherhood can leave a deep scar on an unborn child’s personality. ~ Dr. Thomas Verny.
Thomas Verny knew that at the time of publishing in the very early 1980’s, he was offering what he describes as a ‘radically different’ description of an unborn child than was currently espoused by the popular and medical press of the time. He knew it was vital that his ideas be backed by the most stringently accurate scientific reports and studies. It is a fascinating book and I’d encourage you to read it if you’re at all interested in the subject.
The impact of this book on me was to be huge. I was languishing in my sunny garden as I read it, recovering from my illness. I was still feeling too tired to read for very long, and soon the warmth of the late summer afternoon lulled me into a dreamy state and the book rested face down on my chest as I closed my eyes for a moment.
Altered State of Consciousness for Contemplation and Enquiry
In this slightly altered state of being, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, I contemplated the fact that if I had been as aware of my in-utero life as Dr Verny described, then somewhere in my being, would be stored a memory of it, albeit not a conscious memory. My awareness and curiosity seemed to be guided very gently by my consciousness, and I realised that this was an opportunity to ask a question to the non-rational, somatic part of my self, and to be able to perceive an answer.
My question didn’t take the form of language, using words.
It feels like this is an important aspect of my experience in the garden that day. I was taking an unexpected opportunity to access the non-verbal part of myself, to ask about a time in my life that was pre-verbal. I opened my awareness up to knowledge about my experience in the womb, especially with regard to my upcoming relinquishment for adoption.
The ‘answer’ in the form of knowledge that I received, was shockingly clear, succinct, and ultimately, liberating. And the next step on my healing journey.
The ‘answer’ to my ‘question’ was that I understood very clearly whilst I was in the womb, that my mother and myself were not destined to be together much longer. Amongst the other emotions of loss and sorrow, would be a deep sense of relief. We each needed to be away from the other to complete our respective life journeys. Amongst all the ‘wrongness’ of separating mothers and babies on a physical, earthly level, and the massive effect this has had on me, there is a ‘rightness’ in the spiritual part of me, about the end of our time together.
The relief that came with knowing that things had happened exactly as they’d meant to was huge. To know that my deepest feelings that we weren’t meant to find one another again in this lifetime, were true. Ten years after this experience, I would find out just how true that was.
To know that I hadn’t found her after all my searching, and that I wasn’t ever supposed to find her, was the feeling that set me free to live my life without searching among the dust of the past to find a scrap of myself.
I would sum this experience up by saying that I believe by that being open to healing, to the grace that comes without warning, is a big step towards feeling easier and more joyful in this earthly life of ours. I had gotten myself caught up in a story, a story about how it was wrong that we’d been separated (and I fully acknowledge that it was wrong that my mother and other birth mothers didn’t and don’t have the support needed) and that a big part of my life had to be devoted to finding her, even though in my very bones I knew that she didn’t want to be found.
Dr Verny’s book is by no means the only work that has nudged me onwards in my quest to live a full and joy-filled life of meaning, and I will link more works here as I write about them. Thank you for reading this part of my story, I hope it helps others on similar journeys. Please remember, it is my own individual story, and I am no stranger to such interior journeying, which may not be for everyone.
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