I was adopted at 9 days old into a stable and loving home, and I had a great childhood. It wasn't without it's challenges, but things could have been a lot worse. I am blessed with a loving partner and family, and a good life. So when the tidal wave that is my nervous system dysregulation drowns me in it's swell, it can seem to come from nowhere, and seem to have no root cause. Dysregulation, also known as emotional dysregulation, refers to a physiological and emotional state in which it becomes difficult to manage responses and to keep emotional reactions within a typical acceptable range. The sufferer can be triggered into dysregulation by a varying and personal range of seemingly innocuous situations. The nervous system is upset, with heart rate and breathing becoming erratic, and the fight or flight response flooding the system with adrenaline that has nowhere to go. This state can last for some hours, maybe even into the next day, although for me, a good sleep seems to even things out for my system.
Emotional dysregulation is characterised by anxiety, extreme tearfulness, outbursts of anger that include aggression towards self and others, throwing objects, destroying things and suicidal threats. It can be a feature of many psychiatric conditions, as well as disorders like ADHD. It can be the result of complex PTSD also known as childhood trauma and traumatic brain injury. It is thought to be more common in women, due to our more intense experience of our emotions and increased lack of external validation of ourselves in society generally.
Through my life, my tendency to dysregulation has been exacerbated by PMT and PMDD. PMDD stands for pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, and is a very extreme form of PMT. Thankfully my extreme symptoms rarely lasted more than 24 hours, but those hours were very similar to the hours I have spent in dysregulation. I could predict the day when my PMDD would strike, but that foresight made no difference to my inability to prevent myself from sliding down the steep slope into the darkness.
And PMDD episodes, like periods of emotional dysregulation, can be dark. Very dark. So dark that they can be mistaken for rapid cycling depressive episode bipolar disorder. The sadness and crying are extreme. The pessimism, hopelessness, guilt and worthlessness are all-consuming. They block out the light. Even the most tender, loving care, although very much appreciated in retrospect, cannot penetrate the darkness or turn the tide. It just has to run its course.
Close relationships can be damaged beyond repair by this sucking, toxic tide. Even the most patient, compassionate support is rejected during the episode, although it is exactly that which is needed. From somewhere behind myself, unable to control what I'm thinking, feeling or doing, I have watched as relationships drowned in the flood tide. Some could have the life breathed back into them, but others were not receptive to resuscitation.
My own experience of dysregulation is that, unlike my migraines, it's not affected by being tired, hungry or anything I've consumed, other than alcohol. In the days when I had a menstrual cycle, I was very susceptible the week prior to my period. Two or three glasses of wine a night over the weekend would render me more susceptible to an episode, so now I live without the beautiful, terrible daemon that is booze.
And my own personal triggers? They seem so ridiculous that it feels awkward to admit them, but a light needs to be shone into this dark recess to increase awareness among those who tread warily around their own minefields. Birthdays can be really difficult somatic reminders of trauma for adopted people and probably deserve their own blog post. Until I bought this to my conscious awareness, shared it with my loved ones, and accepted some healing around it, the day was more for dysregulation than celebration.
A lot of my dysregulation happens between me and my partner, rather than to me in isolation, although it can happen in group situations at work as well. Its safe to say that it is personal interaction with a person or people that opens me to the possibility of dysregulation. If we've arranged to meet at a certain time and my partner is late (which he often is due similar challenges of his own) I find my anxiety creeping on. If we're out and I lose sight of him the same thing happens. It's ridiculous. There's nowhere we go together that I couldn't go to by myself with complete ease, but something happens to me when we are together - it defies logic. Similarly, I need to say goodbye to him properly, and then I have to watch him go until I can physically no longer see him.
There's more, as you can probably imagine. Stuff that has damaged our relationship and from which, to my eternal gratitude, we have recovered. But I recently walked out on a job, for a reason I couldn't, and haven't explained to my very sweet and kind ex-boss. Emotional dysregulation does damage. The fear of an episode being triggered has stopped me from doing things, many times.
There is a resource for managing dysregulation that has helped me, and I want to share it with you here. It consists of a short daily practice of a very specific style of journalling, combined with meditation, and it works. It hasn't 'cured' me, but a big improvement has been made. I think the 'brain dump' element of the process has a lot to do with it, because this style of journalling allows for the expression of everything that's going on in my brain, however trivial, negative, non-productive, shameful and private. We all have these negative internal monologues, and these stories fuel dysregulation. Meditation allows the body to experience a calm and regulated state, which may make it easier to access this state at will.
No comments
Post a Comment